Making Cookies In A Dorm

Quick question: what does it mean that they are chocolate chip “flavored” cookies?

(Click here if you don’t want to read me ramble on and on and just want to get to the recipe).

When I first spotted the above roll of cookie dough in Paws & Go I thought: “YES, time to start snacking on raw cookie dough!” Then I realized that, however small the risk actually is, it’s probably a bad idea to risk salmonella poisoning in the midst of finals week. So my next thought was: “I’m going to microwave it!”

Then, while wondering why the Pillsbury dough guy has no pupils, I spotted the following command:

The dramatic capital letters and stern phrasing scared me. I rotated the package and found this:

I panicked. Pillsbury asked me to “please” not do something that might give me salmonella poisoning but demanded  that I not microwave the dough. “Something about microwaving it must be very, very wrong,” I told myself.  I considered giving up.

But then I found the 1-800 number. The prospect of talking to someone whose job is to talk to people about cookie dough was too exciting to handle. It inspired me.

“If you are calling to talk about refrigerated dough products purchased from the refrigerated section of your store, press one,” the robot said. That command perplexes me. Where, other than the refrigerated section in the store, would I purchase refrigerated dough products?

Anyway, I pressed one and got to talk to a lovely woman named Nora. “Ummmm, so what will happen if I microwave the cookie dough?” I asked awkwardly. “A microwave cooks from the inside out so the leavening agent in the cookie might make it blow up,” Nora responded patiently. Nora knows her stuff.

“Umm, like blow up, death blow up, or blow up, mess blow up?” I asked in my always-eloquent way. Somehow, Nora understood me. “It’s about the mess you may end up having to clean up afterwards,” she said while laughing.  Messes are no match for me Nora.

I shaped the cookie dough into a circle about an inch thick on a microwave safe plate.

I popped it in for two minutes on . It began to spread out almost immediately. After thirty seconds, it was bubbling so rapidly that explosion seemed imminent. But it didn’t happen. Instead, I ended up with this:

Not exactly appetizing. Clearly, either the microwave or the plate doesn’t distribute heat evenly. I made another puck and put it in for 2 and a half minutes at half of the power. The result:

Still not super appetizing but a bit better. Less of the cookie burned. However, most of the cookie was still raw. Then I remembered Nora’s words: “A microwave cooks from the inside out…” Why not give it less inside to cook? I made a much thinner patty.

Since I used a small, tiny amount of scientific insight, I was convinced I’d solved the problem. But no:

This one was mostly cooked through but also burned. It tasted like an ashtray had been dumped into my mouth.

I gave up. I did. Not on the cookie dough, but on the microwave. I hope that, despite the sad state of most dorm house kitchens, everyone has access to a baking sheet and a semi-decent oven.

To make up for giving up, I had to take the cookies to the next level. I grabbed some frozen pieces of my favorite candy:

I pressed a peanut butter cup into the cookie dough.

And then topped it with more cookie dough and pressed the edges together (being careful not to squish the cup). They looked like massive balls of dough but, after being baked at 350 degrees for 20 minutes, they came out like this:

Finally, a picture of cookies in this post that you can enjoy looking at. Let me add an even better one:

Look at that Reese’s, warm but unmelted and waiting for your mouth. Here’s a better shot of the inside:

These cookies were seriously, seriously delicious. And seriously easy. Bail on the microwave, find yourself a baking sheet and an oven, and please, for humanity’s sake, make them!

(Click here for the recipe.)

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2 Comments on “Making Cookies In A Dorm”

  1. You have answered every question I ever had about Pillsbury cookies. I can die in peace. GREAT POST!

  2. [...] Plan four: fail at making things in the microwave. This fourth plan is actually more of an unfortunate reality than a plan because I’d much rather succeed but generally do not (click here for my failed microwave quiche post and here for my failed microwave cookies post). [...]


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